This is a guest-blog from a single dad who is a dear friend of mine. I hope you enjoy his words, and they inspire and empower you.
I've asked myself many times since the divorce, "What does it mean to start over?"
I don't know the full answer, but I have come to understand some of what that entails.
The first part is letting go. I had heard this so often that it seemed cliche, and I resisted fully accepting what it meant for me.
As with many aspects of my life, I had to experience this the hard way. I was forced to let go of every part of my past: financially, materially, emotionally, past relationships and even of friends and family.
So much of who I thought I was suppose to be was stripped away by events and circumstances to the point where I literally felt emptied. But it wasn't until I reached this emptiness that I was ready to move forward; to let my life begin to fill again.
The next part is being open and accepting to how ever you are being filled. New opportunities for friendships, career or business, ways of thinking and romance start to flow with a willingness to be open. For a long time, I was trying to fit my old ways into a new world and reality, thus extending my pain. Worse yet, I found myself afraid of making mistakes, which is the third part.
You're not starting over; you're starting from here and you're moving forward. This means you accept the mistakes you have made, you try not to repeat them, and you allow yourself to make all new ones no matter how colossal!
Doing this, I've been able to experiment but remain true to my nature. The results are mixed ... but that's what experimenting is all about! Most importantly for me is that I'm interested in living life and I'm looking forward to it.
So go ahead, let go and dare yourself to live! Embrace your new world and how you are filled; you just have to start.
How about you? Have you officially gotten excited about starting over?
I was encouraged to immediately start dating after my separation. After all, if you’ve tolerated a bad relationship that finally ends, why wouldn’t it make sense to immediately start looking for something great with someone fantastic? A-hem. Seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
My friends rallied around me, told me “I still had it” and began introducing me to eligible bachelors, whether they were a potential fit or not. I dated a few nice people, but for sure my heart was not in it. I had yet to get my bearings, had not even begun to heal, and was certainly more than a little shell-shocked. At the time, even though I didn’t know it, a finalized divorce was still more than a year out.
My therapist mentioned I needed two years of self-reflection and healing time between significant relationships, and was kind enough to inform me that the clock actually doesn’t start ticking until I had a Divorce Decree in hand. As it turns out, the experts seem to agree.
You might be hearing from friends and well-meaning folks, “You need to get out there.” But what you’re probably feeling is either, “I don’t think I’m ready,” or “I don’t even know where or how to start.” Since I’ve lived through it, I’m a big believer in the two-year rule. Give yourself some time to get used to your new life, discover things about yourself didn’t know, and settle into life as you now know it.
Then, when you’re past the point of licking some serious post-divorce wounds and you’ve found some inner peace, you might be ready to get out there.
Here are 3 ways to know for sure it's time to start dating:
1. You’ve thought about what you want, what you don’t want, and identified the deal-breakers. You’ll probably want to attract a new relationship with someone who has at least a few characteristics that are the opposite of your ex. You may want to find someone with some of the same qualities, I mean, he wasn’t all bad, was he? In addition, you want to identify some deal-breakers. I had a few: all activities had to be completely legal, and he had to be completely single and available. Make a list, and be sure to make the process fun.
2. You’re neutral about your ex. You may still have some good feelings of love and fondness, but you’re not in love. On the flip side, you’ve let go of any anger and homicidal feelings. You can think of your ex with no spike in emotions, no pit in your stomach, and maybe even with some thoughts of well wishes.
3. You are actually at least a little excited at the prospect of meeting new people. This is a whole separate post, but if you can think of dating as a big fun adventure where you get to meet fun and exciting new people, you’re good to go. So go!
Unfortunately there’s a necessary time for healing and transition between the end of your marriage and the beginning of something significant that is also healthy and has long-term potential. The good news is, when you do the work you need to do to make it successfully through that transition time, you’re gonna love what’s – and who – is on the other side!
