The other day I was sitting at breakfast in a busy outdoor cafe
in the pedestrian heavy Pearl District of Portland, Oregon. It is a pet and
child friendly restaurant and there were many of both scattered about. A
particularly young couple and their new baby of about 6 months was sitting
across the sidewalk area from us. I began to notice that each of them
individually was completely focused on the baby. I generally like this behavior
and I particularly like when parents are attentive to the many little things
with regard to their children. As I was watching, another young couple came
over with their dog to say hello. The parents looked up momentarily to return
the “hello” but in the same breath regained eye contact with their baby while continuing
talking to their friends. I realize having a new baby, especially when young,
is a consummate experience and significant focus and attention will be directed
towards the new baby, at least in the beginning. But this might have been a bit much. It might
have been way too soon to judge and I am the first one to compliment parents
for whom their children are designated an unconditional priority. It did feel a
little over the top, however.
Goodreads Giveaway!
Goodreads Book Giveaway
The Successful Single Dad
by Honoree Corder
Giveaway ends September 30, 2012.
See the giveaway details at Goodreads.
Guest Blog: Single Parents by Scott Hanley
I was a single dad through most of my children’s life. It was a choice - not a consequence. I learned early on that there were many differences having children with two parents in partnership and two parents not in partnership. Since both my children were boys and the amicable divorce from their mother occurred at mid-young ages (7 & 9), it seemed natural that the boys should live with me. Their mother agreed and so it was. I embarked on a journey that not only bonded me permanently with each boy but provided me an extraordinary opportunity to learn how to build a relationship from the beginning. At first the thought of going it alone was a bit scary and filled with uncertainty, not all that different from when we began as a partnership 8 years previous. However, the trepidation this time was different.
I was aware that the consequences of my daily decisions and choices were going to be mine and only mine to manage. I was not going to have another ‘equal’ party in the decision process. This started out as a bug, not a feature, and ended up being a feature. The feature was not having to get ‘buy in’ on all decisions. True, this may have limited my perspective, and certainly diminished the possibilities of a better direction lacking the combined resources of two parents. But it created a more simple daily life situation and allowed me to get more accomplished and more tasks completed. It is not to say that it was the best, it was just more efficient.
Another aspect of being a single parent was the setting of rules. With only one authority, it was significantly more challenging for the boys to try and manipulate the situation to fit their interests. It kept life a bit more simpler and allowed me to maintain a consistent pattern, particularly with regard to discipline and behavior. Without a different opinion on correct behavior, which is very often a point of disagreement and contention among partners, the three of us could move through behavioral issues more clearly. In the end this was much more readily acceptable by the boys because it was simply not confusing (and the little squirts could not make it confusing!). The boys, not being able to play one off the other, was indeed an advantage.
I was aware that the consequences of my daily decisions and choices were going to be mine and only mine to manage. I was not going to have another ‘equal’ party in the decision process. This started out as a bug, not a feature, and ended up being a feature. The feature was not having to get ‘buy in’ on all decisions. True, this may have limited my perspective, and certainly diminished the possibilities of a better direction lacking the combined resources of two parents. But it created a more simple daily life situation and allowed me to get more accomplished and more tasks completed. It is not to say that it was the best, it was just more efficient.
Another aspect of being a single parent was the setting of rules. With only one authority, it was significantly more challenging for the boys to try and manipulate the situation to fit their interests. It kept life a bit more simpler and allowed me to maintain a consistent pattern, particularly with regard to discipline and behavior. Without a different opinion on correct behavior, which is very often a point of disagreement and contention among partners, the three of us could move through behavioral issues more clearly. In the end this was much more readily acceptable by the boys because it was simply not confusing (and the little squirts could not make it confusing!). The boys, not being able to play one off the other, was indeed an advantage.
Giveaway!
Goodreads Book Giveaway
The Successful Single Dad
by Honoree Corder
Giveaway ends August 30, 2012.
See the giveaway details at Goodreads.
Hers, Mine & Ours After Divorce - Single Dad Needs Advice!
I received the following inquiry from a stressed-out single dad:
Dear Honoree,
I'm recently separated from my second wife, and we're in the process of divorce. We have a child, and we've worked out a visitation schedule that we agree on. Also, I've played the role of dad to her daughter with her first husband since he's not around all that much and doesn't take an active role in her life. My soon-to-be ex expects me to take both kids when I'm supposed to have visitation, and although I want to see my former step-child, I don't want there to be that expectation with my ex, and I don't want to hurt the child. What should I do?
Victor
Dear Victor,
My advice is to see your former step-daughter in small doses - mainly when you're picking up and dropping off your child. I don't think your ex's expectation of visitation with both kids is acceptable, and when she finds her next relationship/husband, that will cause even more confusion. You don't mention the real father, except to say he's not all that involved. How would he feel about your continued involvement with his child? You will want to check with your attorney about legal issues as well.
Honoree
Dads, what advice do you have for Victor?
The Successful Single Dad is the only book for single dads written in a positive, can-do voice, from the coaching perspective, by an executive coach who was previously a single mom. This book provides that road map for creating the life you want, starting right now, today!
Dear Honoree,
I'm recently separated from my second wife, and we're in the process of divorce. We have a child, and we've worked out a visitation schedule that we agree on. Also, I've played the role of dad to her daughter with her first husband since he's not around all that much and doesn't take an active role in her life. My soon-to-be ex expects me to take both kids when I'm supposed to have visitation, and although I want to see my former step-child, I don't want there to be that expectation with my ex, and I don't want to hurt the child. What should I do?
Victor
Dear Victor,
My advice is to see your former step-daughter in small doses - mainly when you're picking up and dropping off your child. I don't think your ex's expectation of visitation with both kids is acceptable, and when she finds her next relationship/husband, that will cause even more confusion. You don't mention the real father, except to say he's not all that involved. How would he feel about your continued involvement with his child? You will want to check with your attorney about legal issues as well.
Honoree
Dads, what advice do you have for Victor?
The Successful Single Dad is the only book for single dads written in a positive, can-do voice, from the coaching perspective, by an executive coach who was previously a single mom. This book provides that road map for creating the life you want, starting right now, today!
Honorée Corder has dedicated her life to being a positive force for good. She writes personal and professional growth and development books, and The Successful Single Mom book series. As an executive coach and corporate trainer, she turns service providers into rainmakers, average producers into rock-stars, and dreams into reality. For more information on how she can specifically help you or your organization, click here.
The Successful Single Dad Book: Meet the Dads
When
I wrote The Successful Single Mom, I had the pleasure of
working with single moms for 100 days, who allowed me to coach, push, encourage
and embrace them. They contributed their thoughts, ideas and best practices to
the making of the book The Successful
Single Mom. For this book, I interviewed successful single dads from all
walks of life. Allow me to introduce you to the dads I interviewed for The Successful Single Dad:
Bob, dad to John, age 12, and Thomas age 16. Bob
left being a full-time big corporate attorney in order to start his own firm
because he wanted the freedom and flexibility of being available to his
children. Bob has 50% custody of his boys: one week on, one week off. He enjoys
going on outdoor adventures with his boys.
John is dad to Kat, age 4, Cameron, age 13, and
Jordan, age 17. Twice-divorced, he is a hands-on dad and enjoys taking his kids
to gymnastics and volleyball and whatever else they have going on! John is an
entrepreneur and co-owns a learning management company. John believes that if
you manage your time right, you can be a hands-on dad and a successful
businessman at the same time.
Javier is dad to three: Sophia, age 8, Mario,
age 6, and Elyssa, age 4. Before his divorce, Javier worked non-stop as a
consultant to small and mid-sized businesses. Having learned the importance of
family time and being there for the children, and having learned too late the
importance of being the person his spouse needed him to be, he is now dedicated
to spending as much time as possible with his children, while still balancing
his need to be a successful professional, and someday looking forward to a new
opportunity to be with someone special.
Steve is dad to Kennedy, 5, Quinn 3 ½, and Colt,
18 months. Steve is a passionate, committed dad first, and senior vice
president of a large wealth management firm. Before children, Steve traveled seventy-five
percent of the time. He took a different job within the company so he wouldn’t
miss even one evening with his kids. Steve believes that focusing on your
children first, and building your career around them is the most important
thing you can do. It’s critical and can absolutely be done.
Drew, dad to Michael, age 5, who has severe
learning disabilities. He is a high-powered executive who wants readers to know
that no matter how public your position, and no matter how high up the ladder
you’ve climbed, you must surround yourself with a carefully chosen group of
people who will unconditionally support you. The rewards are amazing.
Jason is dad to 1-year-old Mason. He’s been a
widow since his son was just one month old. He’s also the managing director of
a successful insurance company and avid tri-athlete. He’s had a hard road
already, but uses his natural zest and enthusiasm for life to keep him from
getting down. He feels like he’s been blessed to even be a dad, and wants other
widowers to keep the faith. He believes he doesn’t have a moment of life to
waste. “It’s too precious, and I’m grateful for (almost) every moment of my
journey.”
The Successful Single Dad is the only book for single dads written in a positive, can-do voice, from the coaching perspective, by an executive coach who was previously a single mom. This book provides that road map for creating the life you want, starting right now, today!
Honorée Corder has dedicated her life to being a positive force for good. She writes personal and professional growth and development books, and The Successful Single Mom book series. As an executive coach and corporate trainer, she turns service providers into rainmakers, average producers into rock-stars, and dreams into reality. For more information on how she can specifically help you or your organization, click here.
Sample Sunday: Chapter 1: Oh Shit Day!
“Oh Shit” Day: The Day that
Turned Your Lives Upside Down
This day could have been yesterday, or perhaps
it was ten years ago. The day you became a single dad is, without question, one
of the hardest days of your life. This is the day many men have hoped for,
regardless whether they come from an abusive, hopeless, or simply dissatisfying
situation, and yet dread at the same time. There’s a chance you will have
freedom: the opportunity to turn your life around and make it the way you want
it … then there’s the reality check: how is it possible to get everything done
and retain your sanity? Pay the bills? Raise the children?
My daughter went from being a happy, normal
two-year-old one day, to being a clingy, needy, demanding, temper-tantrum
throwing Tasmanian Devil the next. She seemed to sense how unsettled I was
feeling and almost instantly began reacting and acting out based upon my mental
state. On top of my pending divorce, I now had a sick feeling in the pit of my
stomach regarding how my daughter was going to be affected – short and
long-term – by this new situation and the dark clouds over head. Here’s the
kicker: I didn’t want to burden anyone with my feelings and insecurities, so
sadly I kept most of them to myself. I didn’t ask for help – I didn’t know how.
I didn’t know what was going to happen next and I wasn’t sure how to navigate
what was coming.
Did you live that day in your mind a thousand
times prior to it actually happening? Before I separated from my ex-husband, I
used to think a lot (daydream is probably a better word) about what it would be
like to be single again, have my freedom and raise my daughter on my own.
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